Leavetaking
by Flynne
Summary: Set in the 2k3 "Same as it Never Was" universe. Raphael can't bear to live surrounded by ghosts any longer.


_Written a while ago and posted on tumblr, and finally getting around to putting it here. Bit of background – this story takes place in the SAINW timeline, roughly seven years after Donatello vanished, two years after the story "Shatter", and about one year after Leonardo left. SkitsMix is definitely to blame for this one, giving me SAINW headcanons and making me want to explore the circumstances around Raph leaving. They also were incredibly helpful with dialogue, particularly Mike's._

 _I have a real problem with the idea that Raph is/ever was an uncontrolled alcoholic (for a lot of reasons), but my headcanon does allow that drinking did play a small role in the troubles between him and his brothers. After this incident, however, Raph never lets alcohol interfere with his life again._

 _Couple more things: there's a brief line in the story alluding to things that happened to Mike. About six months after Don disappeared, Mikey was captured by the Foot. During that time, he lost his arm. He has never told his family how it happened, and claims he doesn't remember it. That is SkitsMix's headcanon which I have absorbed into my brain, and it doesn't come into the story, but while I was proofreading I came across a line that kind of mentions it, and I realized it might be confusing._

 _The character Tyler is the little boy from the season 1 episode, "Lone Raph and Cub". After the events of that night, he didn't see Raph again until about five years before this story takes place. (I haven't written the story of how that happened...yet...)_ XD

* * *

Leavetaking

Raph isn't drunk. Not really.

He only drinks a few times a year now. Alcohol is hard to come by - especially since he smashed the still - so whenever he stumbles across it, he sets it aside. Before everything started going wrong, they'd used alcohol to celebrate milestones. Now Raphael drinks on the day Splinter died. The day Don disappeared.

And today. Today marks two years since Casey's death.

A brisk knock makes him turn his head. "What?" he growls.

The door opens to reveal a soldier dressed for patrol. The man doesn't flinch when Raph looks at him, but he doesn't enter the room, either. Raph has learned that he frightens far more people with his one-eyed glare than he ever did when his face was whole.

The soldier is frozen in the doorway, so Raph sighs impatiently. "Whaddaya want?"

"Um, sir, I just wanted to let you know that April sent me to get you. There's a Foot patrol moving in. We're deploying to engage." His eyes flick doubtfully to the flask in Raph's hand. "I'll tell April I told you." He pulls the door shut and retreats hastily down the hallway.

"Shell," Raph mutters under his breath. He turns his glare to the distorted image of his face reflected by the metal flask. He's learned to skate the fine edge between drunk and sober, never quite tipping over the line...but he can't fight the way he is.

When the footsteps reach his ears, he can't suppress a flinch even though he knew that they'd be coming. He sighs heavily and looks up as the door opens, expecting to see Angel standing there with her fists on her hips and thunder in her scowl.

It's not Angel. It's worse. It's April.

Shame curls heavy in his gut, making him feel hot and cold all at once, but there is no condemnation in her steady gaze. "We're leaving shortly," she tells him. "Jamal told me you were staying?"

He can't meet her eyes. "Can't fight like this."

"I know." She steps through the door, coming to stand beside him. "I just wanted to check in with you before we left. We'll be back as soon as we can." She brushes a comforting hand over his head - a gesture he never would have allowed from any other person - then leaves, closing the door quietly behind her.

Even after she's gone, he can feel the sorrow and pity in her gaze burning into him like a brand. She isn't angry with him, but she's disappointed, and that hurts more than if she had shouted at him.

Raph's hand tightens around the flask until his fingers ache. He lurches to his feet and hurls it against the wall with a savage growl. Bright droplets arc through the air as the metal container clangs and clatters to the cement floor. Raph drops heavily to sit on the edge of his bed and hides his face in his hands. "I'm sorry, Case," he whispers. But the words sink into the silence of his room and fade away. Wherever Casey is, he's moved on, and Raphael can't be heard.

* * *

He's still sitting on the edge of his bed hours later when a knock at his door breaks into his bleak thoughts. He doesn't call out in reply, but the door opens anyway. The sharp smell of gunpowder wafts in and stings his nose.

He doesn't want to look at his brother, but his gaze lifts of its own volition. He can't help but look to make sure Mike is all right. Even though Raph is reflexively tensed in anticipation of conflict, relief helps ease the strain in his chest as he sees his brother standing there, tired and dirty, but unhurt. "So? Did we win?" he asks brusquely.

"We pushed back the patrol. No casualties this time." Mike's face is carefully blank, but the set of his shoulders radiates disapproval. "It was close, though. We really could've used you out there today, Raph."

"Seems like you did just fine without me."

"That's not the point. This is the third time this has happened. You've got to stop."

"Look, it ain't _my_ fault that Shred-head just happened to move his little soldiers around today," he snaps. "You think I can predict when he's gonna make a move? 'Cause if I did, you bet your shell the past few years woulda gone a hell of a lot differently!"

"It wasn't April's fault, either, and she was out there with us."

It's a cheap shot, but the truth of it stings, and Raph lashes out. "I know that!" he snarls, rising sharply to his feet. "An' if I coulda gone with you guys I would have, but if I went out like I was there was a good chance a Karai-bot would turn me into a shish-kebab with a lance through my shell - so unless that's what you want, get off my back!"

Mike huffs impatiently. "Don't be an ass. You know I don't want you getting hurt, but you _do_ need some sense pounded into you."

"And lemme guess, you're gonna do it?" he sneered.

"We've _talked_ about this, Raph!" Mike's control starts to crack. "Fine, stay home so you're not a danger to yourself, but you're a danger to _others_ when you're _not_ there! Quit dwelling on the past and try focusing on the people who are actually _here!"_

"Oh, yeah, 'cause that worked _real_ well for you when you kept tryin' to get Leo to come back," Raph says acidly. He can see the flash of hurt in his brother's eyes when the words hit home, but he can't take them back. And as quickly as the hurt appears, it's swallowed up by the flare of anger that takes its place.

"At least _one_ of us was trying!" Mike snaps. "All you've done since the day Splinter died is push people away! Well, congratulations, Raph - you've found the _one_ thing you're good at!"

Raph clenches his shaking hands into fists. "You think it's _my_ fault Leo left?"

"You tell me! You wouldn't let Splinter's death go, you were always fighting with him, you wouldn't follow his orders - "

"He wouldn't _let_ me save Splinter!" Even after so many years, the loss is raw like an open wound that will not heal. "He had no right to hold me back!"

"To keep you from getting killed!" Mike throws his arm up in exasperation. "Something you're apparently trying to _avoid_ nowadays. So make up your mind one way or the other, Raph! And give Splinter enough respect to _honor his choice!_ "

"So now I don't respect Sensei, is that it?" Raph knows he's twisting Mike's words, but he can't keep his angry reply from spilling out. "At least I _miss_ him! You never even cared that he died!"

Mike recoils like he's been punched in the gut, breath hissing through his teeth as a mix of disbelief and hurt and fury flash across his face. "You think I didn't _care?_ Of course I cared! He's our _father!"_ His eyes narrow as he glares heatedly at Raph. "But you were so focused on your own pain, so focused on blaming Leo - so _selfish_ and self-centered - that you never even _noticed_ that anyone else was hurting!"

Mike's right. Raph knows he's right, and shame cuts into him, but all he can do is bleed anger. "Who are _you_ to be calling me selfish? Where the shell were _you_ after he died? Half the time you were hiding out at April's, you wouldn't come home when we called - !"

"Where _was_ I? I was _right there_ , with you until you started fighting with Leo! You only see what you _want_ to see, Raph! I was there for you _and_ Leo the whole time but the two of you were too busy blaming each other for everything that went wrong, and neither of you would _listen_ to me!" Mike snarls, levelling a finger at his brother. "We _all_ lost Splinter and we _all_ lost Casey and we _all lost Don!_ It's time for you to deal with it!" He clenches his fist, breathing heavily through gritted teeth. "I used to think you were one of the bravest people I know, but you're just a coward who can't move on!"

The words pierce Raph like spears of ice. He staggers back a step, staring at Mike as if he's never seen him before. Mikey used to look up to him - but now, suddenly, Raph has a terrible cold feeling that he's looking at a stranger. A stranger who replaced his brother the moment the Shredder got him in his clutches. Mikey is gone too, gone forever, and Raph can't bear to live surrounded by ghosts any longer.

"You want me to move on? _Fine!_ Maybe you'll finally get Leo to come back this time, cause _I_ won't _be here!"_ Hurt and anger barb his words, and he hurls them at Mike, trying to make them sink deep. He turns on his heel and snatching up scattered items, ignoring his brother's startled intake of breath.

But Mike isn't silent for long. "What, you haven't let enough people down already so you thought you'd add to the list?" he asks harshly. "How are you going to explain yourself to April and Shadow? "

" _Don't you dare throw their names at me!"_ Raph's roar shakes the walls, leaving a devastated silence in its wake. He turns his back on Mike, stuffing the last of his remaining shuriken into his pack.

"Don't do this," Mike grates out. "Don't do this, Raph. If you leave I am not running after you."

Raph's mouth tightens. "Well, that's _your_ call, ain't it?" The resistance soldiers don't have many belongings and they have learned to keep their bags ready in case a swift retreat is needed, so it takes less than a minute to gather his things. Raph swings his satchel onto his back, kicks the discarded flask to the corner of the room, and makes a beeline for the door. He fully expects to shoulder Mike roughly out of the way...but Mike steps aside, stone-faced, and watches him go.

He can feel the disbelieving and furious stares on his back as he stalks away. There aren't many people around but the sound of raised voices has drawn the curious gazes of those who happened to be in the hallway. He doesn't have to push them out of the way, either. They scatter like leaves in an autumn breeze as he storms past.

Raph has nearly reached the exit when a pang of guilt and sorrow stops him. He stands motionless for a moment or two, breathing heavily, then turns and heads for the the command center. April is alone, cleaning her rifle, and she doesn't startle when he slaps the door open.

"I...I gotta go." His voice catches like gravel in his throat. "I'm sorry, you deserve better, but I gotta go, I just can't…" His breathing grows ragged and he has to stop until he has mastered himself again. "I can't stay."

April doesn't say anything for several moments, then sets down the rifle and crosses over to him, pulling him into a fierce embrace. "Please keep in touch. Please let me know where you are," she says in a choked whisper.

He nods against her shoulder, wrapping his arm around her tightly for just a moment before he pulls away. "Tell Shadow I'm sorry," he says hoarsely. He can't meet her gaze as he slips from the room.

A brooding, cloud-covered dusk is falling as he slips out of the entrance to the base. Despite his hurry and the feeling of wrenching loss twisting his heart in a vise - and despite the last traces of gin in his blood - he moves carefully and silently, making his way away from the last home he's ever known.

"Raph? Raph!" The hushed call sounds loud in the silence, and he rounds on his pursuer with a scowl, pulling up short when he recognizes Tyler's solid form following behind. Tyler catches up to him, a distressed frown creasing his forehead. "Raph, you're not really leaving."

Raph turns away and keeps walking.

"Hey!" Tyler jogs to catch up to him again. "Raph, you can't go."

"Watch me," he snarls.

"You'll walk straight into an ambush the way you're going."

"So why're you hangin' around?"

The rough tone doesn't faze Tyler. "I'm going with you."

 _That_ gets Raph's attention. He stops walking again, finally noticing the pack on the young man's shoulders. "The hell you are!"

"Someone has to watch your back out there."

"Says who?"

"Says _me_." Tyler crosses his arms across his chest. "You can't stop me, Raph."

"You really wanna test that theory?" Raph asks darkly. He starts walking again, but stops with a growl as Tyler steps in front of him, blocking his way.

Tyler only smirks in the face of the furious one-eyed glare. "You _do_ remember the last time you tried to get rid of me, don't you?" When Raph doesn't answer, the cocky expression on Tyler's face fades into something gentler. "I'm your friend, Raph. Let me come with you."

Raph sighs, the hostility slowly slipping off his shoulders. "What about your mom?"

"She'll understand. And she'll be safer staying here. If I promise to be a good little son and check in from time to time, will you let me come with you?"

Raph can't find it in himself to argue any more. He nods once, then steps around him and keeps walking. Tyler follows behind, a noiseless shadow.

They don't travel far. Raph leads them to one of the resistance storage bunkers, knowing April won't mind. As soon as they slip inside, the low-hanging clouds open up and a slow, soaking rain pours down. They decide to lay low until sunset the next day, taking time to plan their destination. Tyler scarfs down a ration pack, then stretches out on his bedroll and drops off to sleep, worn out from the sortie earlier that day.

Raph keeps watch, huddled in the corner. His rage has cooled, leaving only sorrow and loss and soul-searing guilt behind.

" _Raphie! We've got trouble down here!"_

" _Just your friendly neighborhood Turtle-man!"  
_ " _You look more like Rafzan, Lord of the Jungle, to me."  
_ " _What does that make_ _ **you**_ _? Jane?"_

" _If Leo gets in trouble, I'm the first one in there, but right now it looks like Leo's got more than one monster to work out of his system."_

" _Friends of yours?"  
_ " _Brothers, actually."  
_ " _I can see the family resemblance."  
_ " _I'm the pretty one!"_

" _Well, this is it! It's been fun, guys!"  
_ " _Even me, Raph?"  
_ " _Even you, Mikey. Especially you."_

The memories bring no comfort. They are from another lifetime, completely out of reach, cold and insubstantial like specters. The grief is too heavy, and Raphael breaks. He hides his face in his hands as tears dampen the right side of his face. He chokes back the keening that presses against the back of his throat, shuddering with silent sobs.

By the time the sun rolls over the horizon at daybreak, the ground and Raph's eye are scorched and dry.


End file.
